Fatigue and Racing...?

I have been a bit tired lately, but for a change, that does not worry me! I have been scared of being tired over the last 3-4 years... Every one gets tired every now and then, right? But for me, the fear or a chronic fatigue syndrome relapse is very real, and even though it has been about 4 years since I was diagnosed and I have been feeling fine over the last 2.5 years, I still got worried every time I felt tired for more than a day! That is, untill now...

I have been thinking alot lately about what it is that stops me from racing again, and why every time I try to get back into it, something prevents me from doing so. a bit over a year ago it was several torn ligaments in my right ankle, 3 months before IM CDA. Then, about 2-3 months ago it was the invitation to go to China for the Olympic Sport Science conference, instead of running a 50m mountain run... I keep thinking that these are little "tests" to see if I want to race again bad enough.

For a while now, I have had a lot on my plate. I am just starting my 3rd year in business, but during the first 1.5 years I still had another job to keep me going... In September, I will officially celebrate my first full time year in business.... and what a year it has been!! The business has more than doubled it self in size, I went back to school (post grad in sports nutrition, part time), and I learned how to deligate (well, Im still learning... ;).

The point is, that I did not have the time to train. Or even more to the point, I was not able to make the time. Every time I went for a bike ride or a run, I would feel guilty because work was waiting for me... The turning point was a few weeks ago, when I realized that I NEED to train. That my life is not complete without it. That I am not happy when I don't ride my bike, or run, or swim. The sport of triathlon, or its sub sports have been a part of my life since I was 5 years old... so nice and slow, I am back. Not in the same way as I was racing in the past, I don't want to be a pro anymore. I just want to enjoy the sport and be that age grouper that everyone loves to hate :)

I think I am finally at the point where I can put the past behind me and open a new door. I knew I needed to let that process happen on its own, and that when I was not scared of being tired anymore - I would be ready to start again without fear and without thinking what if, and what could have been, etc... So Im not scared of being tired anymore, but I still think that my first race back will be a "secret race"... :)